Dealing with Conflict: Do You Ignore It

You loan a cd to a friend who didn't return it. This has happened a few times with other items with this person. It's hard to bring up the pattern to her so you don't, but you do feel tension in your body.

Does that sound familiar to you? This scenario can take many forms such as doing favors for someone that aren't reciprocated, feeling slighted by a co-worker or an ongoing, chronic tension with a relative or loved one. 

If the other person doesn't know you are frustrated or upset, this may be something they don't see or they may be "willfully blind". The first step is to bring up the conflict you are feeling with the person. Don't blame them or put them on the defensive. Just tell them what you are feeling and then give them a chance to speak. It is easy for situations to get heated and reach a boiling point, so this is an art where one must remain calm and focused. Try not to bring in irrelevant information or years and years of examples as that will only make the person shut down. You want the person to not close in order that the situation can be discussed. Try to not be aggressive or go into an attack mode, but do get your point across. It takes practice and sometimes tensions will escalate if the communication is misinterpreted or there is a sore spot. Dialogue is an art so don't give up but see this as important part of your personal development and ability to learn valuable life skills.

If you are someone that is conflict-adverse this will be a growth experience for you as you may someone who likes to keep the peace by sacrificing your own self. This is an excellent way to affirm yourself and it will change your dealings in many situations that follow it. As you practice this more, you'll find that you are not who you were and that your dealings with family, coworkers and other situations are now more empowered and functional. To be passive as a way to avoid conflict is ultimately unfulfilling and robs you of your own interests.

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